It’s Tuesday morning and I’m at the gym arguing with my trainer, Tony.

Six weeks ago I decided I was tired of being fat and resolved to, once and for all, slay this dragon without subjecting myself to surgery. Those lap-band ads on television are a siren song and I’m so not going there.

Enter Excellent in Fitness and Tony.

Tony has this idiotic idea that I can exert myself more than I’m doing and that I’m not eating the right food. And I’m busy pointing out to him all the reasons HE’S WRONG. Arguing like Clarence Darrow, but never quite arguing him into a corner. The wily bastard always finds a way out.

If I put this much effort into my workout, I’d be a size 6 already.

We go round and round until I say, for the millionth time in my life, I’m SICK AND TIRED of not getting to eat what I want and of having to do things I DON’T WANT TO DO.

And Tony says, calmly (bless his heart—I’d have strangled me by now), OK, Joan, what makes you happy?

And I say, Eating. Food.

~And he says, What makes you miserable?

Dieting.

~What else?

Coming here.

~Coming here makes you miserable? OK, what else?

Pilates. I hate Pilates.

~OK. What else?

Walking on the treadmill.

~OK. What else?

...pause…

How I look.

~How you look makes you miserable?

(softly) Yes.

~Well, which makes you more miserable? How you look, or coming here?

I have no answer. Oh, I know what the answer should be, but I’m awfully afraid that the answer is “coming here”. Because, if how I look made me more miserable, I’d have done something about it before now. Wouldn’t I? WOULDN”T I?

Do I Want to be Right…or Happy?

Tuesday’s gym encounter kind of slam-dunked me. Why was I so adament about finding ways to not follow a program I paid a lot of money to get into?

Because, buried not-so-deep-inside, I don’t want to succeed. If NOTHING WORKS, then I have an excuse for being fat. I mean, look…I tried EVERYTHING…and NOTHING WORKED. Not my fault. It just didn’t work. Too bad. Grab another doughnut and start looking for the next program to prove wrong.

Because I have to be right. Always. I’ll argue down to the last comma, period and exclamation point.

The sky isn’t blue, it’s cyan.

The meeting didn’t start at 9, it started at 9:05.

I didn’t forget; you never told me.

A long time ago, I was in a seminar and the leader confronted me. He asked, “Would you rather be right, or would you rather be happy?”

Of course, I shot back, “I’d rather be right. Because when I’m right, I’m happy.”

Flash forward to Tuesday at the gym.

OK, if I’m right about the diet/exercise not working, am I going to be happy? For that matter, am I happy now?

Not so much.

It’s Easy Being Negative

Why do I find it so easy to be unhappy?

And it’s not just me. It’s a national epidemic. We’re enthralled with the cult of being miserable. We revel in it. We’re triumphant in our unhappiness. It’s almost…orgasmic.

See, we say (gleefully), we TOLD YOU “it” (health care, dieting, romance, electing Obama, bailing out the banks, recycling) wouldn’t work. Nothing ever works.

So, why am I so committed to my dark side? Why do I do everything I can to protect the bitterness, anger, shame and old traumas—no matter what it costs me? (And if I let myself think about what it’s cost me over my lifetime…I’d be so weighed down by the knowledge of what I’ve missed I’d probably never get out of bed again.)

It’s so easy to be unhappy and to view things through that prism. It absolves us from responsibility. It puts the “blame” on someone else.

So, the thought becomes, “No one will hire me because I’m too old“, instead of “My resume isn’t up to date and I don’t get out and network”.

Or, “Diets never work for me”, instead of “I keep choosing unhealthy food to eat”.

Or, “That exercise is too hard. I can’t do it”, instead of “I’ll give it a try”.

In the short term, being negative and unhappy and argumentative seems like the easier path. We don’t have to take responsibility for bad outcomes. We salvage our pride with, “That diet didn’t work” and don’t own the part we played in making sure it didn’t work.

Over time, though, each one of those choices adds more (psychic) weight and makes our lives that much harder. When I’m persistently negative, always seeing that half-empty glass, I’m making a choice —even if by default—to live a life of much-reduced joy.

Do I Want to be Right…or Happy? (redux)

Being happy means living with what comes—warts, sunshine, or whatever. It means taking responsibility for every situation, good and bad. We don’t usually mind taking responsibility when things go right, but it’s harder when “bad” things happen.

Being happy means always choosing joy.

When I’m feeling put upon, or treated unfairly, and I’m angrily (and righteously) waiting for an apology, or to get my piece of the pie, I can’t feel joy. Sometimes, joy means accepting that things just ARE, and then deciding to get over it.

Being happy also means choosing optimism and being open to new people, places, ideas, things. Like a lot of people, I have tons of preconceived ideas—things I KNOW to be true. And that knowledge keeps me stuck in the past.

I CAN’T do that exercise; it’s too hard.

I don’t like oatmeal; it’s yucky. (Note: I’ve never actually tried oatmeal, but I KNOW I don’t like it)

To truly enjoy life, we have to be willing to experience things without knowing the outcome. (Who knows…maybe I really LOVE oatmeal. Maybe I CAN do that exercise. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to find out for sure?) When we prejudge, we shut ourselves off from the possibility of learning new things, meeting new people, having different results.

Choosing joy is choosing to be vulnerable, humble and willing to be wrong.

Choosing joy means heading back to the gym with a different attitude. Maybe Tony does know what he’s talking about. Maybe I CAN do that exercise. Maybe I AM stronger than I think.

It means…I’d rather be happy than right.

Because when I’m happy, I am right.

Thanks, Tony…

As another year winds down with unemployment still hovering around 10%, you might be wondering what you can do to make sure you don’t become a statistic. While it’s difficult to predict what the future will bring to the U.S. job market, it’s clear that now is an excellent time to make an investment in your future.

Here are some top choices for things to do career-wise in the coming year:

1. Network. One of the things I hear most often from clients is, “But…I don’t have a network.” I’ve said this before, but it bears repeating—the time to start your network is not when you need it. You need to be connected to other people in good times, so if the bad times hit you have a place to turn for help. LinkedIn, Facebook and Twitter all are excellent places to reconnect with people from your past, or stay in touch with people you meet now.

2. Keep Current. Stay on top of the latest news in your industry and on what your competitors are doing. Read local, national and international news with an eye for events or trends that may impact your field, and then come up with strategies to prepare for changing market conditions.

3. Learning. Take advantage of training opportunities through your company as often as you can, but also consider broadening your expertise and skills into new areas. Tap into credit and non-credit classes at your local community college, or invest in some online webinars or podcasts to increase your knowledge base.

4. Attend Events. Get out and meet new people at local professional events. Social networking is great, but nothing beats personal, face-to-face interaction. It’s a chance to put your best self forward and lets you put faces to names.

5. Be Professional. Come to work early. Take on extra projects without whining. Don’t pass on gossip. Be polite and helpful in all your communications. Present a clean, sharp, well-put-together appearance. Mind your manners. Don’t tell off-color jokes or post drunken pictures on your Facebook page. If you don’t respect yourself and others, don’t expect the boss to view you as a company asset.

6. Mentoring. Find someone you can relate to and ask if you can pick his or her brain occasionally about career and work issues. At the same time, be on the lookout for someone just starting out who you might be able to help navigate through the things that trip a lot of people up. Always try to pass on what you’ve learned and pay it forward. Remember—no matter how new or inexperienced you are, there’s always someone who knows less than you and who would be grateful for your counsel.

What are your career “resolutions” for the new year?

Since the focus of my business is career and job issues, I hear from a lot of people who say, “Wow—with all these people out of work, your business must be booming!”

Well, not so much. Yes, there are a lot of people looking for work, and still more who are fed up with their current job situation, so you’d think this would be a prime time for signing up new clients.

All I can say is, I’m getting a lot of tire kickers. They want to look at the shiny new life they could have, and they might even test-drive it with one of my get-acquainted sessions, but when it comes down to digging deep and plunking down cash to own that life, they hesitate.

Surely, they think, I don’t need to pay someone to tell me how to find a new job. I’ll just send out more resumes and something will come up. Besides, I’m too young/old/female/minority/in the wrong industry/unskilled/over-qualified; no one is going to hire me anyway.

Or, they say, my job isn’t that bad. Heck, at least I HAVE a job. I should be grateful. Anyway, this isn’t the time to take a chance on a new career. I’m fine. Only ten (or twelve, or fifteen) more years until retirement and then I can relax and enjoy myself.

And you know…on the suface, it’s hard to argue with that.

The thing is, I don’t believe you need to wait another minute to start living the life you want.

Relaxing and enjoying yourself doesn’t have to be ten or more years down the road. Wouldn’t you rather be enjoying yourself now? and, to put it bluntly, what if that “ten years” never happens? Life is uncertain, and betting on the come isn’t always the best strategy.

Years ago, when I first met my husband, one of my aunts was dithering about buying a new car. She had decided what she wanted ahead of time but, walking into the dealership, she saw a beautiful, shiny new gold Cougar. Suddenly, the car she had planned to buy didn’t seem so perfect. But…the Cougar was about $2000 more than she wanted to spend.

She went home and called me for advice. Michael got on the phone with her and said, “Listen to me. Remember all those people on the Titanic who passed up dessert. If you want the car, buy it.”

She went back to the dealer, bought the Cougar, and never regretted it. She even lived long enough to trade that car in for another one.

So, as 2009 draws down to the end, ask yourself—are you ready to own your life? Are you ready to step up and take the leap into a happier, more fulfilled “you”? Are you ready to drop the negative thoughts, the whining, the “nothing goes right for me” attitude?

If you are, I’m ready for you!

A word of warning—once you decide to take responsibility for your life, and for what you create, you can’t go back. It’s a step forward in faith, and there’s no do-over.

My promise to you…once you decide that “good enough” isn’t good enough for you, and you focus your attention on how you feel, you’ll see amazing things start to happen.

You don’t need to do it alone; I’d love to share it with you, so take the first step, and let’s talk. You have nothing to lose and, even if you decide not to pursue coaching with me, I guarantee you’ll learn something new and useful to guide your journey.

My good friend Steve Roesler shares some simple and very useful steps for effectively coaching employees (and others). While you’re on his blog, sign up for his new free eGuide—“Coaching Managers to Coach”. Whether you’re a manager, a professional coach or an aspiring manager, this eGuide is something you’ll refer to on a daily basis.

Thanks to Steve for including me as a small part of his eGuide—I’m pleased to have contributed to a valuable resource that I think a lot of people need, and will actually use.

If you’re looking for work, you know there are a lot of “how-to” books out there. Here is my list of the top ones you should read. All (or most) of them should be available at your local library, so you can stimulate your mind while not depleting your pocketbook.

The Job Search Solution: The Ultimate System for Finding a Great Job Now by Tony Beshara. Full of real world advice and not your standard, generic fodder, Beshara’s book challenges readers with a unique vision of the business world. Chapter 12 (Overcoming Employer Biases that Can Keep You from Getting a Job) will be of special interest to older workers or those who have been out of the workforce for an extended period.

 

The Pathfinder: How to Choose or Change Your Career for a Lifetime of Satisfaction and Success by Nicholas Lore. Beyond having a “great career”, this book tell you know to have a “great life”. Even if you’re not actively job-hunting, you owe it to yourself to read this—you’ll come away with a new direction and maybe some life-changing insights.

 

Passion at Work: How to Find Work You Love and Live the Time of Your Life, by Lawler Kang. Kang’s book is as much about learning who you are as it is about career success. His Process of the 5 Ps leads you through a step-by-step blueprint for realizing your dreams.

  

I Don’t Know What I Want, but I Know It’s Not This; a Step-by-Step Guide to Finding Gratifying Work, by Julie Jansen. Whether you’re unemployed and unsure of what to do next, or suffering an existance in a mind-numbing job, Jenson’s book can help you find your way out of the fog. The book includes some helpful quizzes and questionnaires to get you on your way.

 

Escape from Cubicle Nation: From Corporate Prisoner to Thriving Entrepreneur by Pamela Slim; forward by Guy Kawasaki. Before you go all Johnny Paycheck on your boss, read this book. Everything you need is right here.

 

 

The Networking Survival Guide: Get the Success You Want By Tapping Into the People You Know, by Diane Darling. No matter what the job outlook is, networking is THE key to getting the job you want. Darling breaks networking down into small, doable pieces, reminding readers “From your first conversation in the morning until your last conversation at night, you are networking.”

 

101 Great Answers to the Toughest Interview Questions by Ron Fry. Getting through the interview is something that makes most of us break out in a cold sweat. This book walks you through the most difficult, pitfall-laden questions you’re likely to encounter and helps you work out the best way for you to answer them.

 

Resume Magic: Trade Secrets of a Professional Resume Writer by Susan Britton Whitcomb. Quite simply, one of the very best books written about resumes. A must-have if you’re crafting your own resume, and a useful resource even if you’re having a professional write one for you.

 

Can I Wear My Nose Ring to the Interview? A Crash Course in Finding, Landing, and Keeping Your First Real Job by Ellen Gordon Reeves. If you’re a recent grad, you probably feel left out by the advice in a lot of career books. Here’s one that understands the needs of young job-seekers and answers the questions other books never ask.

 

Instant Interviews: 101 Ways to Get the Best Job of Your Life by Jeffrey G. Allen. Jeff Allen completely rewrites the rules on job search and  teaches you how to land actual interviews – fast! Organize your overall job hunt strategy and learn little tricks of the trade that get you hired.

 

How to Land a Top-Paying Federal Job: Your Complete Guide to Opportunities, Internships, Resumes and Cover Letters, Application Essays (KSAs), Interviews, Salaries, Promotions, and More! by Lily Whiteman. If you’re looking for a federal job, you can’t do any better than this. Whiteman lays out every step in what is arguably the most intricate, difficult, time-consuming job search process anyone can ever undertake—working for the federal government.

 

I’m sure there are other great books—please hit the comment button and share your best recommendations!

In this difficult job market and stalled economy, how can someone in mid-life (a Baby Boomer) be sure he or she is making the best choices for a happy and successful life?

Join me and my guest Kim Kirmmse Toth, of Positive Aging, Inc, as we talk about challenges and opportunities for Baby Boomers, or anyone facing a career or life transition.

Listen to Career Momentum Radio live at 6:30 PM Eastern on Wed, 9 Sept, or get the replay at any time.

Photo by Felipe Venâncio

Your life is right now! It’s not later! It’s not in that time of retirement. It’s not when the lover gets here. It’s not when you’ve moved into the new house. It’s not when you get the better job. Your life is right now. It will always be right now. You might as well decide to start enjoying your life right now, because it’s not ever going to get better than right now—until it gets better right now!
—- Abraham

You have to enjoy and appreciate where you are at this moment before you can move on to something even better. No matter how bad things seem to you, there’s always something positive—even if the positive is “Wow…this doesn’t suck as bad as it did yesterday!”

Once you find that positive and put your attention on it, and start enjoying it, you open yourself up to everything you desire.

Go on. Give it a shot.